Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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