If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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