I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
