You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
