Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
