Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
