dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
