ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
