Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
