apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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