I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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