Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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