There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
