I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
