All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
