You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
