glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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