whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
