i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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