I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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