I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
