Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
