dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
