It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
