Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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