A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
