Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
