I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
