Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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