her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
