I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
