we have officially lost it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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