Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
