he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
