Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
