I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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