so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
