were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
