My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
