Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
