You don't have asthma, your pregnant
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
