Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
