I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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