I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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