Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize