My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
