The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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