You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
