If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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