youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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