i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
